Falling Slowly
by Reasons Unknown
Summary: Addex! This story is set towards the end of season 2 when Addison and Alex had just started working together, it follows them as they form a professional relationship which turns in to more than either of them ever thought it could. Some addek moments.
1. Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking

Disclaimer: It's safe to say that anything you recognise doesn't belong to me.

Hi all! Welcome to yet another addex fic. This is quite different to any of my other stories but i hope you still enjoy it.

Falling Slowly is a song by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova from the movie "Once". If you haven't heard it you should go listen to it on youtube because it's one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard.

* * *

Somewhere a clock is ticking

It could just be my imagination but I'm sure my husband is even more distant than usual tonight. We may not be as close as we once were but I can still read his moods like a book, and tonight he seems almost angry about something. I have no idea what that is though.

I turn to face him in bed and place my hand on the side of his face gently. He doesn't respond to my touch so I question him lightly.

"How was your day?"

He acknowledges my question with a forced smile and a shrug of his shoulders. "The usual," He says after a long pause.

I wait for him to elaborate but he doesn't say anything else. He couldn't make it any clearer that he doesn't want to talk tonight so I whisper goodnight and turn back to face the wall. I hear him sigh and feel his warm breath hit my neck as he moves closer to me.

His arm reaches around my waist and he squeezes my hand gently. I know it is his way of saying sorry, and I accept his apology by snuggling closer to him with a sigh. I fall asleep in his arms with a small smile on my face.

* * *

Derek is gone when I wake up the next morning and for a moment I feel a familiar stab of disappointment. Waking up alone in a freezing cold trailer is not the best way to start a day, and consequently by the time I arrive at the hospital I am not in the best of moods.

My mood only worsens when I see Alex Karev waiting for me at the nurses station. I had forgotten that I had assigned him to my service for an indefinite amount of time. What the hell had I been thinking? This is as much a punishment for me as it is for him.

"Karev," I greet him, a lot snappier than I had intended. Maybe he will take the hint that I can't take any of his smart assed comments today. I give him my best glare just to make it perfectly clear.

Whereas most people would cower at my expression, he stands taller and smirks in my direction. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy to intimidate him.

"Dr. Montgomery-Sheperd," He replies. His voice is dripping with sarcasm, almost as if he his mocking my authority over him. I realise that I could stand all day arguing with him but we have work to do. Instead I turn and stride down the corridor, leaving him no choice but to follow me. I win that round, Montgomery-Sheperd 1 : Karev 0.

I have no scheduled surgeries that morning so we round on my pre and post op patients. I try to stay calm even as I feel Karev's eyes boring holes in my back as he glares at me. He looks bored as I explain the cases to him and he makes very little effort to be sociable with my patients.

I watch him converse with one patients husband and he becomes so abrupt I have to intervene before the situation gets out of hand. I apologize to the man and all but drag Karev from the room. The second that we are out of earshot I round on him.

"What do you think you're doing?" I hiss angrily.

"Come on, he deserved it, the guy's an ass," He looks angry now too, I notice as I glare at him.

"_He_ is a patients husband, and you have no right to talk to him like that! I don't care what your personal opinion of the man is, for as long as you're a doctor here you will show respect to patients and their relatives. Understood?" I put my hands on my hips and tap my foot impatiently as I wait for a response.

"Look, I'm not like you. You might be able to respect a man like that but I won't, I'll be professional around him if that's what you want, but I won't respect him."

I stare at him confused as I try to work out what the hell his problem is. I don't understand why he has such major issues with this guy. Did I miss something?

He scoffs loudly and starts speaking again, I realise I must have said the last part out loud.

"You seriously don't get it, do you? You're so caught up with your own life and playing happy families with Sheperd you can't see what's right in front of your face. Well I'm not explaining it to you, figure it out yourself." He turns and walks away from me, leaving me standing there with a frown on my face.

What was all that about? How dare he accuse me of "playing happy families"? Derek and I are married, we're not playing anything and even if we were it would be none of his business.

It is only after I have calmed down slightly that I realise Karev's comment about my personal life bothers me more than I would care to admit. I check the OR board and see that Derek isn't in surgery so I send him a page. I feel like I have to prove to Karev and myself that everything is fine with my marriage.

He arrives 5 minutes later, looking stressed and less than impressed that I paged him for no apparent reason.

"What's wrong, Addison?" He doesn't sound happy to see me and it occurs to me that maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"I just wanted to talk to you, you seemed angry last night and I never got a chance to ask you about it," I quickly make up an excuse for paging him

"I'm fine. I just have a lot of work to do right now, did you want something else?" He asks quite sharply.

For reasons I can't even begin to explain I feel my throat tighten and my eyes become teary. His face softens slightly when he sees my expression but I blink back the tears and try to smile at him. I tell myself to stop being stupid, everything is fine and Derek's just busy with work.

"Look, Addie, I'm sorry. I don't have any free time now but we can talk later. Do you want to meet for lunch?" He still doesn't sound exactly happy about it but at least he's willing to set aside time to talk to me.

"Yeah, that sounds great," I give him a small smile and lean in to kiss him on the cheek.

He nods his head and brushes past me before my lips get anywhere near him. He leaves me standing there alone, replaying the brief exchange over and over in my mind and trying to convince myself that there is no truth to Karev's words.

* * *

Somewhere a clock is ticking - Snow Patrol

Soooo that was the first part. I don't know how long this will be but i can say it is a lot longer than anything else i have ever wrote which means i need lots of encouragement to keep writing. So please leave a review!


	2. For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one and wihout further ado here is next part. Read and review please!

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic

I searched all over the hospital but I can't find Alex Karev anywhere. Of course I could just page him, but I don't want him to know that I'm looking for him. My plan was to find him and "accidentally" bump in to him, then yell at him for arguing with me and insulting my marriage. But, like I said, I can't find him anywhere.

Instead I catch up on some paperwork until lunchtime when I make my way to the cafeteria to meet Derek. I grab my lunch and a coffee, before sitting down at a table to wait for him. I finally spot Karev as he wanders in to the cafeteria with Izzie Stevens and I send him my best glare, not that it has any effect. In fact I am not even sure if he notices me.

I discreetly watch him sit down at a table with some other interns and I can't help but mutter an insult under my breath, which I know is childish but it makes me feel slightly better so I don't care.

I have nearly finished my lunch and my coffee is cold, but there is still no sign of Derek. I begin to feel like a fool sitting there by myself and I catch myself twirling my hair around my finger, a habit I only do when I am feeling particularly nervous or uncomfortable.

15 minutes later and I have given up on Derek coming at all. I catch Karev staring at me and I feel my face go red, I imagine I can hear people whispering behind their hands that Addison Montgomery-Sheperd got stood up by her own husband.

I stand up abruptly and walk from the room with as much confidence as I can muster. I feel people's eyes on me as I leave and my skin prickles with embarrassment, even though I know it is unlikely they even realise that I was meant to be meeting someone. I search the floors of the hospital for any sign of my missing husband and I am about ready to give up when I notice his name hastily written on the OR board as i walk past.

My legs seem to carry me of their own accord, and I end up in the gallery of OR2 which is empty apart from two interns whose names I do not know. I stand beside the door and stare down at the sight of my husband expertly guiding his intern through a procedure. My fists clench in anger as I watch him with Meredith Grey, I know it is not my imagination that they stand closer together than any other doctors would.

They look like they are in a world of their own and there is just something about the way they look at each other that is so intimate. I feel like I am watching them in a private moment, not performing a surgery in a crowded room.

One of the interns sitting in the gallery nudges the other and I clearly hear her gasp and whisper to her friend.

"That's the wife!"

For god's sake, do they not realise that I can hear them? Or maybe it is their mission to make me even more aware of the situation between my husband and Grey.

"You're right. I can't believe they're still together, if I was her I would have given up a long time ago," The other one whispers back.

That's it, I've had enough of this. I clear my throat loudly and they both freeze before turning to look at me guiltily.

If I wasn't in such a rotten mood I would have to laugh at the looks on their faces. It's nice to know I still have the power to terrify people.

"If you were me I'm sure you would do a lot of things differently. But you're not me, you're just an intern, and if you want any chance of ever becoming a resident I suggest you put as much effort in to your work as you put in to gossiping." I glare at the two of them.

"Sorry Dr. Montgomery-Sheperd we didn't mean…erm…" One of them starts to speak but I don't stick around to hear their excuses, I am already half way out of the room before she starts talking. Even as I walk away I can still see the image of Derek and Grey working so closely together in my mind.

A tiny voice in the back of my head whispers that maybe Karev's comments weren't so stupid after all. Maybe I'm wasting my time trying to save a marriage that is already doomed.

* * *

I find Karev waiting for me in the usual spot later that afternoon. He watches me as I approach and maybe he senses that I am somewhat depressed because for once he does not utter a single comment.

"I wanted to - I mean…" He seems uncomfortable as he tries to find what he wants to say. I watch him curiously, this awkward, mumbling Karev is a side to him I have never seen before. I think he is trying to apologize but judging by the difficulties he is having I am guessing he doesn't say sorry often.

"I was out of line this morning, with what I said," He says eventually.

"You weren't out of line Karev, you completely destroyed the line." I look at him closely for a moment just waiting to see if he will bite back. "But maybe I could have been a bit less harsh as well." I grudgingly admit when he stays silent.

"That's possible," He gives the tiniest of smiles, and I mean a real smile not the smirk I am used to seeing. I decide that I like that smile and it would be nice to see it more often.

"Ok then, we're agreed. We have a surgery scheduled this afternoon so you can prep the patient and then go scrub in. I'll meet you in the OR."

I walk away with a smile on my face. I don't want to speak too soon but maybe working with Karev might not be the nightmare I initially thought it would be.

* * *

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic - Paramore

Thanks for reading and as always please be kind enough to leave a review!


	3. Almost There, Going Nowhere

Sorry for taking so long to update! I'll try to update sooner next time. Huge thanks to gingertwist, goldentail, addexlover, addisonkarev and mistysparks for leaving reviews.

* * *

Almost there, going nowhere

Over the next week I fall in to a comfortable routine. I spend a lot of time at the hospital to avoid being in the trailer alone or with Derek. I get the feeling that he is doing exactly the same thing, the result being that we barely see each other.

At times I am surprised to find myself actually looking forward to working with Alex Karev, of course sometimes he still drives me insane and I regret having ever assigned him to my service. But a lot of the time he is surprising. Like right now for example.

It is early morning and as I walk up to him and slam some charts down on the counter he pushes a cup of steaming liquid towards me.

"What's this?" I raise an eyebrow as I pick up the polystyrene cup to examine it closely.

"It's just coffee, not poison. Vanilla latte." He says it all casually as if this is a regular thing, like he brings me coffee every morning.

"Why are you bringing me coffee?" I ask blankly. I am actually quite touched by the gesture but I can't quite get my head around the fact that Karev is being this nice to me.

He rolls his eyes at me. "You don't have to drink it, I was just getting myself one and I thought I might as well grab you one," He snaps and goes to take the cup away from me. Now this is more like the Karev that I am used to.

I slap his hand away as he reaches for the cup before I take a drink. He watches me closely as I sigh contentedly. How did he know that I love vanilla latte?

"Thank you, it was just unexpected." I say eventually.

"You're welcome." He watches me for a moment longer before shrugging his shoulders and looking away.

The morning is very quiet but just as I am about to go for lunch I get an emergency page. I rush to the ER to find Karev already there and checking the stats of a baby that has just been brought in. The ER is even more chaotic than usual and I realise there must have been quite a big accident.

Karev has his attention focused on the baby but as I watch him his eyes raise to meet mine. For a moment all I can do is stare at him across the crowded room, but eventually I realize that I am standing frozen to the spot and I spring in to action.

The next few hours are a blur. I am working on autopilot as we rush the baby to an OR and begin what turns out to be a long and complicated surgery. Some small part of my brain registers how smoothly Karev and I work together, how he is holding the instruments out for me before I even ask for them.

By the time the surgery is over I am exhausted and I feel like I haven't eaten for a week. Karev raises an eyebrow at me when my stomach rumbles loudly as we are scrubbing out.

We leave the OR and head straight for the cafeteria. I don't need to ask if he is coming with me, I just know by some unspoken agreement that we are both going to the same place.

We sit down at a table in the back corner and I immediately tuck in to my salad. He stares in disbelief as I shovel the food in to my mouth.

"Karev, stop staring at me." I snap but try to eat a bit slower anyway.

"I'm not used to watching people inhale their food, generally people chew and swallow slowly," He says sarcastically.

"I _do not _inhale my food."

"Whatever," He answers back, his smirk drops slightly when he sees me glaring at him.

"Don't make me angry when I have sharp objects in my hand Karev," I hold my fork menacingly.

"Nah, if you were going to stab me it would make much more sense to do it with a scalpel, not a plastic fork." He laughs at me.

"Whatever, just shut up and let me eat," I snap at him but I'm not really angry, the small smile on my face gives me away. In fact it is refreshing to have a conversation with another human being, it seems like lately I've only had myself or Doc for company. And lets face it Meredith Grey's dog and I have never been best friends.

"Do you know how bad that food is for you?" I can't help but say when I watch him eating his burger and chips.

He rolls his eyes and looks at me in disbelief.

"You're giving me diet advice? I'd pick a burger over your rabbit food any day," He gestures towards my salad.

I can't help but laugh at the look of pure disgust on his face as he eyes my lunch. He looks shocked for a moment before letting out a smile of his own.

"Addison." I jump at the sound of my name and turn to see Derek standing beside the table. The laughter dies in my throat and I notice the smile drop from Karev's face as well.

I look up at Derek and I know I have a guilty look on my face. God only knows why I feel guilty, I know haven't done anything wrong but I don't think I am imagining the angry look on Derek's face.

"Do you have a minute? I wanted to talk to you," He says slowly.

"Yeah, of course," I stand up immediately and start to follow Derek from the cafeteria.

"What about the rest of your lunch?" I hear Karev call and turn around to see him watching me curiously. I had almost forgotten he was there.

"It doesn't matter, I'm not hungry," I reply. Karev gives me a strange look which I can't interpret. I suppose he is wondering how I'm not hungry anymore considering I was starving a minute ago.

"But you - " He starts again but I interrupt him.

"I said it doesn't matter Karev! I don't think I need you for the rest of the day, you can go find something to do in the pit."

I follow Derek from the cafeteria but my thoughts stay focused on Karev who I left sitting there glaring after me. I hope I haven't just ruined all the progress we had made, he probably hates me even more now I just yelled at him for no reason. Sometimes I really am Satan.

* * *


	4. Long Road To Ruin

Wow thanks so much for the reviews to the last chapter, that's the most i've had yet for this fic. I start my exams on Monday but i'll still do my best to keep writing and updating regularly.

Please leave a review!

* * *

Long road to ruin

Derek pulls me in to an empty supply closet and for a moment we just stand there in silence.

"I didn't mean to interrupt something," He says eventually.

"You weren't interrupting anything important, we were just having lunch." I shrug my shoulders nonchalantly and try to hide the fact that i'm actually annoyed he interrupted my lunch.

"So you and Karev are getting on ok? You seemed like you were enjoying yourself," His tone is almost accusing me of something but I can't figure out what he his getting at.

"Derek, what's this about? You said you wanted to talk about something?" I wish he would just get to the point so I can leave, the tiny closet is making me feel claustrophobic.

"You've been working a lot lately, I hardly ever see you,"

"You're working all the time as well, it goes both ways Derek," I reply. I can't believe he has the nerve to say I'm absent after all the months I spent alone in New York.

"I know, I know," He runs a hand through his hair in exasperation.

"Maybe this weekend we could do something together," I say hopefully. He gives me a small smile and I can't help but smile back.

"Yeah, ok, it's a date. See you later." He kisses me once on the cheek before he leaves. My fingers linger on the point where his lips met my skin and I smile at the memory. Maybe things are going to work out between us after all.

* * *

From the moment I set foot out of the supply closet I regret having ever sent Karev to the pit. It seems like all the pregnant women in Seattle decided that today would be a good time to go in to labour and I am rushed off my feet.

I consider swallowing my pride and going to ask him to help me but in the end I can't do it. Instead I manage as best I can without an intern but by the end of my shift I am exhausted.

I step on to the elevator to make my way to the lobby, only to find Alex Karev is the other occupant. He ignores me as I stand beside him and I know he is angry that I yelled at him earlier.

"I'm sorry," I say when I can't stand the silence any longer.

"What for? You're my boss, you can yell at me whenever you feel like it," He says bitterly.

"I know I could. But I don't normally yell at people for no reason, you didn't deserve it and I'm sorry." The doors ping open and some people get on the elevator. I move to the back and find myself standing right next to Karev.

"You don't normally yell at people?" He whispers, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. "Almost every conversation we've had has ended with you yelling at me."

"Well you can be the exception to the rule then," I retort.

"Lucky me," He says sarcastically, he tries to keep a straight face but ends up smiling with me. "Did I miss anything good?" He asks as we leave the elevator and head outside in to the rain.

"That depends if you define good as every pregnant woman in Seattle descending on the hospital because they decided today was a great day to go in to labour." I huff.

"Maybe that will make you think twice about sending your help to the pit."

I laugh at that comment. He gives me a small smile and says goodnight before heading off across the car park. I am still chuckling to myself when I reach my car and head back to the trailer.

* * *

Saturday night I put a nice dress on and my favourite heels, spend extra time curling my hair slightly and putting on makeup. I am ready early so I sit sipping a glass of wine while I wait for Derek to finish work.

I am actually excited about our date tonight. It feels like a lifetime since the two of us went out together and just enjoyed each others company. I am broken from my thoughts when my mobile starts ringing.

"Hello," I answer after digging it out from the bottom of my bag.

"Addie, look I'm really sorry but I'm going to be home late." I hear Derek's voice and my heart sinks.

"But we have a date, what time will you be home?" I ask even though I know it is pointless, he is cancelling on me again.

"I'm not sure. I'm sorry, but we can still go out another time I just can't make it tonight."

"Yeah sure, another time maybe." I say sadly and hang up the phone before the tears start to fall from my eyes. I realise that's twice in one week Derek has stood me up.

After 15 minutes of sitting feeling sorry for myself I decide to forget about Derek and go out anyway. I got all dressed up so there is no point in sitting in by myself all night. I dry my tears and fix my makeup while I wait for a cab to come pick me up and take me to Joes.

It's crowded in the bar tonight but I manage to make my way to the bar and get Joe's attention.

"Addison," Joe says, sounding surprised to see me here alone. "Are you meeting someone?"

"No, not anymore." I sigh deeply. " Give me a drink, anything, just surprise me."

He watches me for a moment before going to get my alcohol. I jump when he returns and places a pink cocktail in front of me, complete with a little paper umbrella and everything.

"Thanks," I smile.

"So why are you drinking alone in a bar on a Saturday night?"

"I was meant to be going out with Derek but he got busy." I shrug as though Derek standing me up doesn't affect me at all. I can tell by the look on his face that Joe doesn't believe me though.

He gets called away to serve another customer and for a while I sit by myself, watching people come and go. Joe comes back to check on me every once in a while and to get me more cocktails.

I glance at my watch and even though the hands look slightly blurred to me now I know that it is getting late. I start to stand up and gather my things together when I hear someone saying my name.

It takes me a moment to recognise the voice, it sounds as though it is coming from far away but when I look up Alex Karev is standing right in front of me.

* * *

Long road to ruin - Foo Fighters

I have random question - how old do you think the chief is? I need it for later on in the fic so let me know what you think in a review, if you are kind enough to leave one that is.


	5. Only One Word Comes To Mind

I'm sorry if this kind of sucks but i've been struggling to concentrate on anything other than revision for my exams. Huge thanks and gratitude to my reviewers: nikkitan89, addexlover, gingertwist, BenderTheOffender and addisonkarev. If it wasn't for you guys there's no way i would have taken time off from revisiing to write an update.

* * *

Only one word comes to mind

"Dr. Sheperd, what are you doing here?" I can see his lips moving but the words don't register in my alcohol clouded mind.

"Huh?" I say dumbly. I squint at him but no matter how much I concentrate he still appears slightly blurred.

"I was just wondering what you're doing here by yourself," He is definitely looking at me strangely now.

"Oh, you know, I was just having a couple of drinks," I manage to reply in as normal a voice as I can but i know my words are slightly slurred.

I try to get my arm in my cardigan but I stumble slightly. Alex leans forward to help but I shrug away from him. Alex? Since when did I call him Alex?

"I can put my own cardigan on Ale - Karev," I start to call him by his first name but luckily I realise my mistake and change mid word.

He watches in apparent amusement as I struggle but eventually manage to put my cardigan on.

"Ha, I knew I could do it," I exclaim triumphantly. He tries not to smirk but I can see the corners of him mouth twitching, what's so funny? I glare at him.

"Sorry, it's just most people don't need to be board certified OB-GYN surgeons to be able to dress themselves," He answers my unspoken question, how did he know what I was thinking?

I put my hands on my hips and give him my best glare, although the effect is slightly ruined when I lose my balance and stumble sideways.

His arms reach out to grab me and before I know it his hands are gripping my waist and I am slumped heavily against his chest. The room sways dangerously and I decide that maybe it is safer to stay where I am instead of trying to stand up on my own.

"Dr. Sheperd? Addison? Can you hear me?" He leans down close to me and tilts my head up towards him. For a wild moment I think he is going to kiss me but I soon realise he is just checking to make sure I am still conscious.

I giggle to myself and he looks at me like I've gone insane.

"You called me Addison," I snort between giggles. He obviously doesn't see anything funny about this though because he just stares at me in confusion.

"Yeah well, dude, that's your name,"

I only laugh harder at that statement, how is he managing to keep a straight face?

"You did not just call me dude," I gasp. He sighs and looks upwards as though he is praying to be anywhere else other than stuck with his very drunk boss.

"Right, time to go I think." He pulls my body against his side and almost carries me from the bar. The cold air hits me as soon as we step outside and I huddle closer to his body.

He shrugs out of his jacket and wraps it around me. I smile at the gesture and whisper a thanks but I am not sure he hears me.

We move slowly and I ramble on about god knows what while he just listens in silence, at least I think he is listening to me.

We reach a slightly beat up looking car which I realise must be his. He opens the door and lifts me easily in to the passenger seat before climbing in the other side himself.

I lean my head against the cool glass of the window, my eyes slip closed and at last the world stops spinning.

* * *

My tongue feels as though it has been glued to the roof of my mouth as I fight to open my eyes and get my bearings. I'm in my bed wearing the outfit I was wearing last night but I can't remember how I got there.

I wince at the pain in my head as I sit up in bed. My shoes are placed neatly on a chair in the corner, along with my purse. I manage to stumble in to the kitchen, for once I am glad that the trailer is so small and I don't have far to move, and down a couple of tablets to help my hangover.

Scenes from the previous night start to return to me as I get dressed for work, not that I feel like going. I vaguely recall Alex Karev being there with me but I can't remember much apart from that. The thought of working with him when I have no idea what we were talking about last night fills me with dread.

The bright lights and loud noises of the hospital do nothing to help my hangover and as always I vow never to drink alcohol again. I pull on my white coat as I leave the locker room and walk slowly towards the nurses station.

Alex is already there waiting for me and he just raises an eyebrow in my direction as I approach.

"Hungover?" He questions.

"What do you think?" I snap at him.

"No need to take it out on me, it's not my fault." He retorts quickly.

"For all I know it could be your fault, did you get me drunk?"

"What?" He looks slightly pissed off now. "Why the hell would I get you drunk?"

"I don't know." I sigh and rub my forehead where my headache is coming back.

"If you want to blame anyone other than yourself, then it has to be your husband who stood you up in the first place and lead you to drink yourself unconscious."

"Oh god. I told you about Derek. What else did I say?" I am slightly panicking now and I know my cheeks have gone red. Please don't say I told him everything, oh god what if I mentioned the bad sex?

"You seriously don't remember anything?" He looks at me closely as though he is trying to work out whether I'm lying.

"For god's sake Karev, does it look like I'm joking?"

"Well, no." He smirks, clearly he is enjoying my embarrassment.

"Look, can we just forget it ever happened?" I plead desperately.

"Forget what ever happened?" He responds immediately.

"Look…just…" I twirl my hair around my finger nervously. "Whatever we talked about, I was drunk so I don't think you can hold it against me." I finish by taking a deep calming breath.

"Point taken. But just so you know I happen to like the story about your dog chewing your shoes, and the vet calling during bad sex with Derek is hilarious."

I open my mouth to respond but I can't think of anything to say so I end up standing there gaping like a complete idiot. He laughs harder at the look on my face before taking a chart from my unresisting fingers and walking away with it.

I groan loudly, earning myself funny looks from the people standing near enough to hear me. I barely even notice them staring at me, the only thing running through my mind is a series of expletives and i concentrate hard on not screaming them out loud.

* * *

Only one word comes to mind - Biffy Clyro

Please leave a review and cheer me up!


	6. Future Reflections

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update, the last couple of weeks have been totally crazy. I'm also sorry this chapter isn't the most exciting it's sort of just a filler chapter, but it's better than nothing, right?

I go away on holiday next Monday to Friday but if you promise to read and review this chapter i'll promise to update again on Sunday before i go. Thanks to: Chanel5, nikkitan89, BenderTheOffender, addexlover, thegingertwist, ChristineGrey, mistysparks and addisonkarev.

* * *

Future Reflections

I sigh when the elevator doors open and I see who is currently standing inside. For a moment I am tempted to turn around and take the stairs, but then I remember that he _is_ my husband and I shouldn't be running away whenever I see him.

Derek just stares at me when I stand beside him and the doors slide closed.

"I'm sorry about last night," He says as he runs a hand through his perfect hair. I don't reply as I'm not ready to forgive him yet. "Addison? You'll have to talk to me eventually you know."

We stand for a few seconds in an uncomfortable silence.

"I said I'm sorry, what more do you want me to say?" He says exasperatedly.

The elevator slows and comes to a stop before the doors open with a ping.

"I want you to say sorry and actually mean it Derek." I reply as I step off the elevator and carry on walking without looking back.

I enter my patients room a moment later and come to an abrupt halt. I seem to have walked into the middle of something as Mr. Bishop is gripping his wife's arm tightly and I can see the tear tracks running down her face. Something about this guy makes me uneasy and although I would never admit it to him I am starting to agreee with Alex's opinion of the man. This is the same guy who he had such problems with when i first assigned him to my service.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything," I glance worriedly between the two of them.

"That's fine Doctor, we were just having a chat." The husband says, releasing the grip on Mrs. Bishop's arm. "Weren't we darling?" He adds.

"Yes, of course," She replies but I can see that they are both lying.

"Well I just came to tell you the good news. Your labs came back clear so you're ok to go home today." I force a smile on to my face.

"Really? Are you sure? What about the baby?" Mrs. Bishop looks at me and I swear she looks terrified.

"The baby is doing great, there's nothing else we can really do until he's ready to come out. So until then you're okay to go home, but nothing too strenuous and plenty of bed rest."

"Thank you, Dr. Sheperd. That's great news." Mr. Bishop says. I smile as brightly as i can but I can't shake the feeling that there's something not quite right. I send Mr. Bishop off to the nurses station to fill in some paperwork and leave the room as fast as I can.

* * *

I page Alex to meet me and he arrives a couple of minutes later slightly out of breath.

"You paged?" He asks and gives me a small smile.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you. I just told Mrs. Bishop that she's safe to go home and she wasn't exactly happy about it." I pause for a second to wait for a reaction from Alex. He just frowns slightly and waits for me to continue. "It was more than just that though, when I first went in the room her husband was gripping her arm and she was crying, it just didn't feel right."

"I want to talk to the woman alone, can you get rid of the guy for a while?" He asks, he definitely looks tense and angry now.

"Yeah, he's off filling in paperwork so he should be gone for 10 minutes or so. Why?" I ask despite the fact that I can tell from his face that he isn't going to explain it to me.

"Just warn me when the guy's coming back." He says before disappearing in the direction of Mrs. Bishop's room.

I stand still for a moment while I try to work out what the hell's going on but I can't figure out what Alex has got planned. Eventually I follow after to him and arrive outside of the patients room to hear Alex's voice coming from inside.

"…must be really accident prone?" I hear him question.

"Why do you say that?" Mrs. Bishop replies.

"You fell down the stairs, causing some serious damage. Your medical history shows other incidents like this, I guess you fell over all those other times too. Right?" He says it casually but I can tell that he is cautious about what he is saying.

"Right, yeah. Sometimes I think I have two left feet," She says but she sounds nervous.

"You know my mother used to tell people that," He lets out a humourless laugh. "It was her favourite saying actually. She always had a different excuse, she fell down the stairs, she hit herself in the face by accident, she tripped over."

"Why are you telling me this?" I hear her ask softly.

"Her doctor used to tell her she was the clumsiest person he had ever met," Alex carries on as though Mrs. Bishop never spoke. "He believed every lie she ever told him and all I wanted to do was scream that she wasn't clumsy at all. She never tripped, she never fell down the stairs."

"I don't know what you're implying but I did fall down the stairs, it was my own fault." Mrs. Bishop sounds close to tears now.

"I just wanted you to know that I'm not one of those doctors who will sit back and believe all the lies you tell them. You didn't fall down the stairs, we both know that. He has no right to hurt you, and the more you protect him the more you put yourself and your baby in danger," Alex says softly as Mrs. Bishop starts to sob quietly.

"He's my husband," She manages to stutter eventually. "You can't understand that."

"You're right, I've never been in the exact same situation you're in so I can't fully understand. But let me ask you something, do you think he'll stop with hurting you? What about the baby?"

"He would never hurt our child."

"Are you willing to take that chance? I sure as hell wouldn't be. If I had a kid I would do anything to protect it, I'd do anything to stop it going through what I went through because my mother never protected me. He won't stop, a man like him doesn't know _how_ to stop. So take my advice and get out while you still can, if you won't do it for yourself then do it for your baby."

I stand frozen on the other side of the door, trying to take in everything I have just heard. It's like a jigsaw puzzle clicking in to place in my mind, everything is starting to make sense.

I am still standing there like an idiot when Alex leaves the room quickly and crashes straight into me.

* * *

Future Reflections - MGMT

So, any thoughts? If you're feeling kind then please leave a review, you don't know how much i appreciate them. Thanks for reading!


	7. Reinventing The Wheel To Run Myself Over

Thank you so much for all of the reviews! I replied to you all individually but i'll mention you here anyway because you're all so awesome: addexlover, mistysparks, Chanel5, ChristineGrey, BenderTheOffender, nikkitan89 and McPerfect.

gingertwist and AlexFan: I couldn't reply to your reviews individually as they were anonymous but thank you so much for taking the time to review and i really hope you continue to enjoy the story.

* * *

Reinventing the wheel to run myself over

Alex just stares at me for a moment before pushing past and walking away without looking back. I guess when he said warn him if the guy came back he didn't mean stand outside and listen to their conversation. I don't think I was meant to hear any of that.

I let out a few expletives under my breath before chasing after him. I glimpse the back of his head disappearing into an on call room and I don't hesitate to follow him inside. The door closes behind me and for a moment it is pitch black until I reach out and hit the light switch.

"Alex?" I move cautiously to sit on the bed beside him but I leave a respectable distance between us. I think it is one of the first times I have called him by his first name to his face and he looks up at me in surprise.

"I'm sorry. I guess I was the last person you wanted to hear that." I say apologetically when he remains silent.

There is a long pause before he speaks. "No," He replies eventually. "At least I know you'll keep it to yourself, if it was anyone else it would be spread all over the hospital."

"Believe me I've been the centre of enough gossip to know how horrible it is when everyone's talking about you. I promise I won't say a word." I say and he smiles at me gratefully. "Does anyone else know? I mean have you ever told anyone?"

"No-one here knows and I like it that way. When people find out stuff like that they treat you differently, I hate pity and that's generally their first reaction. It's better if everyone just things I'm a bastard for no good reason." He laughs again but it sounds flat to my ears.

"You're not a bastard."

"You're not Satan."

"Thanks. How pathetic is it that my own husband started the whole calling me Satan thing?"

"Your husband is an ass." He says as though stating a fact.

"He has his moments." I sigh when my thoughts return to Derek. "Sometimes I think you might be right."

"About what? I happen to be right about a lot of things."

I roll my eyes at his arrogance but i can't help but chuckle as well. "About me and Derek playing happy failies." I explain.

"I shouldn't have said that." He turns to look at me. "I thought I would be the last person you would want to talk to about this." He almost echoes my earlier words and gives me a lopsided smile.

"Surprisingly, no." I smile at him and we sit in silence for a moment. "I suppose we should get back to work."

I am reaching for the door handle when he speaks again. "Addison?" I freeze at the sound of my name coming from his lips before I turn slightly to face him again. "Whatever happens with Sheperd, you'll be ok."

"Thanks Alex." I say softly. He gives me one last glance before I open the door and head towards the elevators.

* * *

I knock on the door to Richard's office and enter when I hear his voice shout come in.

"Hey, I got a page saying you wanted to see me?" I poke my head around the side of the door.

"Addison, come in. I was hoping you would drop by soon." He says and smiles at me.

"Is everything ok?" I ask as I perch on the chair in front of his desk.

"Everything's fine. How are you doing?" I can tell from the way he looks at me that he knows everything isn't fine in my life right now, I wonder for a moment if he has spoken to Derek recently.

"Thing's could be worse," I say with a shrug of my shoulders.

"Addison, I'm here if you need to talk about anything at all. Don't ever forget that." He says softly. I nod and give him the brightest smile I can manage. "Now, I really called you in here to ask for your help."

I look at him in surprise, wondering what he can possibly need me for.

"It's Adele." He says with a sigh. "Things haven't been perfect between us recently, she wants me to retire but I'm not ready to leave just yet. Anyway, it's my birthday in a couple of weeks and she's insisting on planning a big party. I _do not _want a party."

I give a little cough to cover the laughter that is rising in my throat. This is what he needs help with? "Um, well have you told Adele that you don't want a party?"

"Believe me if I've told her once then I've told her a thousand times. But she won't listen to me. She says a party is just what we need to lighten the mood and take my mind off work."

"Maybe she's right." I say after a moments thought.

"I don't see how a party is going to change anything, apart from give me extra things to worry about. Look, Adele won't listen to me. Can you just try to talk her out of it? You've always been friends, maybe she'll listen to you."

He sounds so desperate I can't bring myself to say no.

"Ok, I'll try. But just so you know I think you're fighting a losing battle here, once Adele sets her mind to something there's no changing it." I laugh at the look of panic on his face. "I'll do my best though."

"Thank you." He says as I leave his office with a smile on my face.

The rest of the day passes uneventfully and it seems no time at all before I am back at the trailer. My stomach flips nervously when I see Derek is already home and I realise we are going to have a serious talk.

I take a deep breath and walk over to where he is sitting in a fold up deckchair just outside the trailer. I sit beside him and he silently offers me a glass of wine which I gratefully accept.

"I am sorry Addison." He says eventually.

"I know, but it still hurts." I sip the wine and it calms me down somewhat.

"I'm trying my best, I can't do any more than that."

"Are you really Derek? Because sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this marriage." He looks slightly hurt when I say this but I don't regret it, I should have said it ages ago. "Is it getting any easier? Last Christmas you said you still loved her and I thought you just needed time. But to me it doesn't feel like anything's changed."

"I'm trying Addison, please just give me more time." I sigh when I realise that this conversation is going nowhere, in fact it is the exact same conversation we had months ago. It hurts me as much now as it did back then to realise that despite everything he still loves her.

"I don't know how much longer I can wait." I say truthfully and he doesn't reply. "I'm going to bed, good night."

I walk away from him and climb in to bed alone once more.

* * *

Reinventing the wheel to run myself over - Fall out boy

I'm off to Spain tomorrow morning so no updates until next weekend unfortunately. It would be great if you would leave a review to cheer me up when i get back. I get home at 3am and i have to get up for work at 7am. Seriously, i need your reviews to keep me going.


	8. One Step Closer

I'm back! My plane was delayed going away and coming home, i got sunburnt and i managed to catch flu from someone else on the plane, apparently my immune system doesn't care that it's June and sunny but i look like rudolph. Anyway i still had a good time. Hugs and kisses to all my reviewers, you still made me smile through the coughing and sneezing: addexlover, nikkitan89, Chanel5, AlexFan, BenderTheOffender, addisonkarev, gingertwist and goldentail.

* * *

One step closer

It is two days later before I remember my promise to Richard about talking to Adele. I retreat to the attending's lounge which is mercifully empty and sit down in my favourite chair.

I dial Adele's number from my mobile and wait for her to pick up.

"Hello."

"Hey Adele, it's Addison. Remember me?" I joke lightly.

"It's great to hear from you. How are things with Derek?" She asks the question I have been dreading.

"Well, we're trying." I sigh loudly. " It's not going great though."

"Oh Addison. You should know that the last thing I want is for it not to work out between the two of you, but it's been a while now so if thing's aren't getting any better…" She leaves the rest of the sentence unspoken, I don't think she wants to mention the word divorce. "Are you happy?"

"Nobody's happy all of the time, Adele." I say sadly.

"I know honey, but when was the last time you and Derek were truly happy together?"

The question throws me when I realise I can't actually remember the last time. I think my silence is all the answer that she needs.

"You can't live like this forever Addison."

"We'll figure it out eventually. Anyway I didn't phone to talk about me and Derek. I spoke to Richard the other day and he said you were planning a party."

"Yes, I've got it all planned. He's told you to try and change my mind hasn't he? That man is unbelievable!"

"Well he didn't say that exactly. Are you sure this is a good idea though? He seemed dead set against the idea and it is his birthday." I try my best to sway her decision.

"Addison, you've been like a daughter to me over the years but I'm telling you now there is absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind. I think a party will do us all good." She says firmly.

"That's exactly what I told Richard you would say. If you want my honest opinion I think it's quite a good idea, we all need something to look forward to."

"Exactly. I'll let you know the details when I've got it all sorted out."

"Well if you need help with anything you know where to find me," I wonder what Richard will say when he finds out that not only did i not manage to talk Adele out of it, but I'm now actually offering to help. "See you soon."

I hang up the phone but remain seated in the chair thinking through everything Adele said. Some small part of me registers that she is right and we can't keep going like this forever, but then a larger part of me screams that Derek is the last third of my life and I can't just give that up.

A few moments later my pager starts beeping loudly and I force myself back in to action.

I stop by the NICU just before my shift is due to end to find Alex already there. I stand and watch him for a moment wishing I could hear the words he is whispering to a baby we delivered yesterday.

"Dr. Karev," I say as I eventually open the door and enter the room. As I would have predicted the second he hears me he stops talking and moves away from the baby.

"Dr. Montgomery-Sheperd," He gives me a rare smile. "She's doing better today, getting stronger every hour." He nods towards the tiny baby in the incubator.

"That's good news, hopefully it won't be too long before she can go home." I reply as I move over to stand beside him.

We stand in silence for a moment but it is not uncomfortable.

"I spoke to the chief the other day, it's his birthday soon and apparently we can expect a big party." I say to break the silence.

"A party?" He says sceptically.

"Yeah have you heard of those? It's a social gathering to which people are traditionally invited, usually to celebrate something," I say sarcastically.

"Ha ha very funny. I just meant that I can't see the chief organizing a party for his own birthday."

"Oh well you're right there. It's actually Adele, his wife, who is doing all the organizing. In fact Richard is dead set against the idea, he's already dreading it," I laugh.

"That sounds more like it. What about you? Are you dreading it?" He glances towards me curiously.

"Actually no. I think it'll be great to get dressed up and go somewhere nice. And Richard deserves a break," I reply.

"You deserve a break as well." He says looking at me.

"What do you mean by that?" I watch him closely.

"Just exactly what I said, you work hard and you need a break every now and then."

I still haven't got used to the way he comes out with comments like that. Before we started working together I thought I had him all worked out, I thought he was insensitive and arrogant and sometimes he proves me right. But at times like this he still manages to surprise me.

"Are you like this with everybody?" I can't stop myself from asking curiously.

"Like what?" He raises an eyebrow at me.

"Like this. You act like an ass to begin with and then you start being…" I gesture with my hands while trying to think of a word to describe him but my mind is drawing a blank. "I mean you start saying nice things to me...and you bring me coffee every morning and you tell me my husband is an ass for calling me."

"I just tell it like it is. Sheperd _is _an ass and you_ do _deserve a break. I tell the truth, say exactly what I think and a lot of the time people think I'm an ass because of it." He shrugs and I feel his shoulder brush against my own.

"I used to be one of those people." I say with a laugh.

He smirks at me. "You _used _to be? What about now?"

"Maybe I've had a change of heart." I tilt my face slightly to look up at him and find he is already watching me. I freeze at the expression on his face and I can't help but wish I knew what's going through his mind.

I don't know if he has moved closer to me or if I have moved closer to him, but I am suddenly aware that we seem to be just inches apart and I can't tear my eyes away from him. His breath hits my cheek and makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

His pager beeps and he jerks backwards suddenly. I feel my face turn the same colour as my hair as he puts some distance between us.

"Um I should answer this. I'll just uh…see you around." He finishes lamely and leaves the room.

"Crap." I mutter under my breath. What the hell was that?

* * *

One step closer - Linkin Park

Don't make me beg for reviews...oh what the hell PLEASE review!!


	9. Worst Case Scenario

Sorry about the major delay in updating but i'm back on track now. I had the worst case of writers block ever and no matter how hard i tried to force myself to write something i just couldn't do it.

* * *

Worst Case Scenario

I spend the next two days focusing on just one thing, avoiding Alex Karev. It is a lot more difficult than it sounds given that he is my intern and we are therefore required to work together.

I get ready for work in a rush as I am already running late. I grab my car keys and hurry outside to find Derek just returning from taking Doc on his morning walk. The dog runs over to me, giving me a much more enthusiastic greeting than my husband does. At least someone is happy to see me.

"Good morning. Sorry i can't stop i'm running late for work. Will you be home early tonight?" I ask Derek as he makes his way over to me.

"I'm not sure, it just depends how the day goes." I freeze when he stands beside me. He smells of perfume and it's definitely not mine.

"Have you just been walking Doc? Alone?" I know my voice comes out strange but I can't help it.

"Yeah. Why? I don't mind it's nice to have some time to myself." He glances at me strangely, obviously wondering about my sudden interest in where he goes on a morning.

"Right, yeah. Um I have to go then." I hurry towards the car, desperate to get away from him so I can think things over. Maybe there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

"Addison, are you ok?" He shouts after me as I get in to car and start the engine.

I don't reply, I _can't _reply. My voice seems to have stopped working completely and I can feel the tears building behind my eyes. I reverse away from the trailer quickly, drive a mile or two and then pull off the road because my vision is so blurred by tears I can't see where I'm going.

I know without a doubt that he has been with Meredith Grey. Is he cheating on me? I try to think up a plausible reason why he would smell of her but I can't. It's impossible that they just bumped in to each other in the woods, therefore it has to have been a planned meeting. So why did he tell me he was alone?

I sit there for an age, long after my tears have dried I still don't move. Eventually my brain kicks in and I realise that I'm beyond late for work now.

I fix my makeup as best I can using the rear view mirror when i arrive at the hospital before almost running inside.

I grab the chart for my first patient of the day and hurry towards her room. I bump in to something solid as I turn a corner too fast while not watching where I'm going.

"Sorry Dr. Montgomery-Sheperd, I didn't see you." Izzie Stevens apologizes as she picks up the papers she has dropped all over the floor.

"It's ok, it was my fault for not looking where I was going." I bend down to help but she has already shuffled the papers in to a messy pile and turned to carry on walking.

"Wait, Dr. Stevens." I call after her and catch her up again. "Have you seen Dr. Grey this morning?"

"No not yet. Why? Is she ok?"

"Oh yeah I'm sure she's fine. I was just wondering if she was in the hospital yet." I ask as nonchalantly as I can.

"Her shift starts later, I think she's on call tonight. Should I tell her you were looking for her?" Izzie says, she looks puzzled but she doesn't ask why I'm suddenly interested in Meredith Grey.

"No, no it's fine. It's not important." I force a smile on to my face and try to keep to a normal pace as I walk away.

I really need a minute to myself but my pager starts beeping immediately so I do my best to look calm and professional, instead of the emotional wreck that I really feel like. As I haven't informed the nurses that I am currently avoiding Alex Karev, I can't even imagine the rumours that would be spread if I did, they have already paged him and I find him checking over our latest patient.

"What have we got?" I ask him as my eyes scan over the observations the paramedics have taken.

"17 years old, 36 weeks pregnant, suffering abdominal pain." He responds quickly.

I thought he would act differently around me but he seems exactly the same as always. I forget all about the awkwardness and reasons why I was avoiding him and just concentrate on the girl lying on the table in front of me. We work together seamlessly and for a while I feel more relaxed than I have done for the past few days.

It all changes when the monitors start beeping as I close the girl up after performing a c-section. Alex is already working on the baby who seems surprisingly healthy under the circumstances, but no matter how hard I try I can't save the mother.

With the baby safely off to the NICU I call time of death on the girl and rush from the OR.

"Dr. Montgomery-Sheperd," I hear Alex call after me but absolutely nothing would make me turn around. I find the closest empty room which turns out to be a supply closet and duck inside quickly, praying nobody saw me.

I lean against shelves full of supplies and slide down to the floor slowly. I didn't think I had any more tears left to cry today but my body proves me wrong again and I sob helplessly.

The door opens and I know without looking up that Alex has followed me.

"Addison, it wasn't your fault." He says firmly as he sits down beside me on the floor.

"I know," I manage to stutter. "I just can't deal with it today." I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand discreetly and try to pretend that he hasn't just walked in on me in the middle of an emotional breakdown.

He rests his hand on my shoulder tentatively. I look up at him in surprise but all I find on his face is concern and compassion so I lean my head against his shoulder. I give up trying to be professional, I give up pretending I'm fine and instead I sob quietly in to his scrubs.

His doesn't say anything else, just wraps his arm around my shoulders and allows me to let it all out.

* * *

So there you have it, i hope it turned out ok because believe me i've been struggling to write it for the past month. Review please!


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